So I’ve been told I have 2 hours to get this blog written before we have to hit the road to get home for the big match this evening. We are currently chilling in Casper, in the middle of the Peak District. We spent this morning doing a lovely walk along Derwent Edge and up Back Tor. Yesterday, we headed up Bamford Edge. Both really nice walks to do in the Peaks.
Here are some photos taken from the 2 walks:
For anyone who’s new to my blogs, we have a camper van called Casper. My partner and I spend most of our weekends getting away in it, wild camping as much as possible, surrounded by nature, going out for walks. I just love nothing more than spending time in the outdoors with the people I love. When we are away, we are in our own little bubble with Casper. A time when we feel safe from everything going on in the outside world.
Here’s Casper the friendly camper:
Monday’s News
Monday’s news has really shaken me. Even though I kind of knew it was coming, hearing it being announced really hit home. My anxiety has been through the roof with it! I am scared of the weeks ahead!
For someone like myself, who has taken on a low antibody count from the vaccine, classed as extremely vulnerable, with a severely suppressed immune system, it’s a very worrying time. After speaking to other people who are in the same situation as myself, I know my feelings are only normal. I’ve even talked to people who aren’t classed as CEV, who are healthy individuals and some of them are feeling very anxious over the decision that has been made.
All week different things have been said. The more I read the media, the more anxious I have been getting. By Friday, it all got too much! One minute your reading how it’s going to be down to the survival of the fittest this summer, the next your reading how the clinically extremely vulnerable (CEV) might be going back in shielding. Then I read a tweet saying, ‘allow us to have our life back and just lock the CEV back away again’. I then read another article about how there trying to get herd immunity. It’s just been one thing after another. I then Alex had been in contact with someone who was getting tested. That then added my anxiety to the situation. Luckily, yesterday we had found out that person had tested negative.
Yes, the easiest thing to do is take the CEV out of society again. But is this fair? Shielding is not nice. I know from my experience and talking to other shielders, it’s been such a challenge on our mental health. Why can’t the government find a middle ground which looks after everyone, so the CEV can live their lifes. Mask wearing and social distancing allowed us to have some kind of normal life. I know it wasn’t perfect, and we still had to be very careful. But at least if we did want to go to shops, you know people would be trying to keep a distance from you and would hopefully be wearing a mask. If they lift these restrictions, there’s no protection for the people that need it.
The new shielding guidance is meant to be coming out tomorrow. Not sure if they are going to fully shield us again, or just advise us to avoid social events/meet-ups. Which to be fair I have mainly been doing since the start of the pandemic anyways. I have only ever met people outdoors, never indoors, as the risk is so much greater. I also seen articles coming out today saying mask-wearing indoors will still be required. Not sure how true that is? It will be interesting to see what is said tomorrow.
Anxiety Medication
My anxiety was so bad on Friday. I feel so so so scared. It’s a feeling I can’t truly describe, other than horrible! I was laying next to Alex in Casper on Friday night, talking to him about it all. How more and more people we know are self-isolating or testing positive. How it’s going to get worse before it’s going to get better. It’s so scary! I am petrified about catching it, not knowing how my body is going to react. I maybe will be ok, but I just don’t know. I might be one who ends up in ICU, fighting for my life. Basically, it’s a risk I do not want to take!
I am now debating if to go on anxiety medication. I have a lot of anxiety normally with all the worry my illness causes me. With this whole pandemic, it’s just pushing me over the edge. I don’t want to feel fear and sadness all day long, every day. Some of you may see me and think I’m such a happy person, always living life to the full. There’s a lot that goes on behind that smile, that no one sees. Most of the time, I do keep my emotions to myself. But every now and again I just can’t hide them. It’s normally when I get so panicky over what’s going on in my head, or over something I have read. Quite often caused by over-thinking a situation.
Walking Helps My Anxiety So Much
This weekend getting out for the walks has helped so much! And it’s not just this weekend. They have helped me right throughout the whole pandemic. For me, when I’m out in the country or in the mountains, my worries seem to all disappear. I feel safe and happy.
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling so drained from my anxiety. I had no motivation to get out for a walk. Which was not like me at all! But I knew forcing myself out, would help me. The first part of the walk, I didn’t feel well with my anxiety. My body felt weak and drained, from all the fighting I was doing. But as time went on, my anxiety improved. I’m not saying it cured it. I wish it was as easy as that. But it helped, and that’s all I can ask for.
Now I’m back in the van from today’s walk, I can feel my heart racing away again, with anxiety. I’m feeling scared of what next week has to bring. I have my Gastro hospital appointment on Tuesday, with news about what to do about my hernia. I then have anxiety around what guidance is coming out for the CEV. I then have that consistent worry that somebody in Alex’s office will test positive, as there has been a lot of near misses recently. Luckily my workplace is fine, as I wear FFP3 mask, so I know I am staying safe as I possibly can while I’m at work.
It’s tough! I know I’m not alone with my feelings. I wished I didn’t worry so much. But I can’t help it. I can’t help the way my mind works. It doesn’t help to be on long-term steroids. I noticed when I started taking them many years ago, my anxiety got so much worse. I’m not blaming my steroids for the way I feel, as I’ve always been a worrier, even as a child. But I do believe they are not helping! I did notice a bit of improvement with my anxiety when my dose came down from 10mg, but now with everything going on, it’s just got worse again. Maybe I would be even worse if I was still on 10mg?!
Lupus Rashes
Not sure if it’s the stress of my anxiety on my body or the sun, but my left arm is covered in a horrible-looking Lupus rash. It looks like the same one I get every year from the sun. I was doing so well to avoid rashes. So maybe all the stress has flared up my Lupus, causing the rashes from the sun to come out? I don’t know! I also noticed my knees being very sore on both walks this weekend.
Anyways, enough from me this week. We need to start packing up the van, ready for our trip home, in time for the football.
For anyone who is struggling, my inbox is always open. Please, always feel free to talk to me. You’re not alone, no one should ever feel alone. Talking to someone who understands, can help massively. Also, learn who you can talk to when you are struggling. Be selective, and don’t go to talk to someone who doesn’t quite understand, as they can sometimes make things 10 times worse for you.
Until next week,
stay safe
Emma
xox
