Happy World Mental Health Day! I feel today, the 10th of October is such an important day. Mental health is something that we should not ignore, hide away from, or be ashamed about. It’s something many of us suffer with, some more than others, in all different ways. No matter which mental illness you may suffer from, talk to someone who you trust and don’t suffer in silence. Remember, it is okay not to be okay.
Dealing with mental health is tough! I will openly admit I do suffer from mental health illnesses. However, I have learned over the years it’s not something to be ashamed about. Having a chronic illness makes you more prone to anxiety, low mood, body confidence, and depression. Medication like steroids also can make you more prone to anxiety, low mood, and depression. Then on top of that, we are going through a pandemic. Which again, has challenged many people’s mental health. From loneliest to fear to depression.
My Journey With My Mental Health
Right from being a young child, I have suffered from fear. My two biggest fears: people been sick and sea creatures (mainly crabs and lobsters). They both may be irrational fears, but they both had big impacts on my life growing up. To a point where I wouldn’t get on a coach just in case, somebody was travel sick or having to be carried off a beach screaming, because there was a little tiny white crab on the sand. Sound pagetic right? But to me, it wasn’t. The fear was and still is very real. Even today, I am still scared of both and I will openly admit it! It’s not something to feel embarrassed about. Everyone has fears, these two are mine.
At the age of 19, I became ill. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t know at this point I had Lupus. I started suffering a lot with low moods. I was feeling unwell all the time and because I didn’t know what was wrong with me, it made things mentally harder for me. I was constantly going for tests. But every test they were doing, was coming back negative. There was nothing they could give me, other than antibiotics for all my sinus infections because again, they didn’t know what to treat me for. It was a tough couple of years of feeling unwell and not knowing what was wrong with me.
Once I was diagnosed with Lupus, my low mood would come and go in waves. Normally, on the days I was feeling unwell with the wolf, my mood would be low. The days I was feeling well, my mood would be happier. Even today, 11 years on, my mood is like a rollercoaster. But this is completely normal. You’re not going to feel happy when you’re curled up in bed in pain. My low mood is often worse on a night. Nighttime is the worst part of the day for me. By the evening I’m often in pain and overtired. I often have tea and climb into bed between 7pm and 8pm to watch a bit of Netflix or read, before going to sleep at 9pm. I end up crying at anything and everything I am watching or reading, including Holby City. Yes, I openly admit it, I cry at Holby City. My sister jokingly said to me the other day, it’s a good job it’s ending in March. There’s definitely going to be a lot of tears on that last episode! However, joking aside, it’s very normal when you are suffering from low mood, little things can put you in tears, and that’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.
I started suffering from quite bad anxiety when I started taking steroids long-term. I guess I’ve always had a form of anxiety with my fears, but it was never really a big issue unless I was stood on a beach surrounded by crabs, or my sister was looking like she was about to be sick. When I started taking my steroids, I remember starting to feel scared of life. It was a weird feeling to have. I just became scared of everything. I remember driving my car once to dance class and I started panicking. I was convinced I was going to crash the car. I then started panicking about other little things in life. I remember every time Alex would go into the bathroom, I would automatically think he was going to be sick, even though he wasn’t ill, he just going to the toilet or getting a shower, you know the normal things people do in the bathroom. As I reduced my steroid dose down, my anxiety improved. Today, I do still suffer with it, but nowhere near as bad as I did.
The Pandemic Had The Biggest Impact
Out of everything, I would say the pandemic has had the biggest impact on my mental health. From feeling lonely, isolated, scared, and confused. From one minute getting told you can’t leave your house for 12 weeks, the virus could kill you, to seeing the same 4 walls for weeks on end, to then suddenly joining society, while the supposedly ‘deadly’ virus is still breading away out there. Then you just start getting your life back on track, you then get thrown back into shielding, getting told once again, society is too dangerous for you. You then get one bit of hope, for a ticket to a bit of normality, the vaccine. To then find out you’ve taken on very little antibodies from the vaccine, and the world is still such a dangerous place for you, so you carry on hiding away, living life in fear. At the same time, you watch the world slowly get back to some kind of new normal.
It’s been tough and even today, it doesn’t feel any easier! The past year I’ve suffered from bad anxiety, low mood, fear, and even a bit of mild depression. I remember days when I was shielding and would just cry all day long. I would ring my mom up and just cry down the phone. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I wanted to be happy, but I just couldn’t seem to make myself. It was awful. But I pulled myself out of it. I did what I knew I needed to do. It was hard, but with any mental health illness, only you can truly get yourself well again. You have to want to do it. The biggest and hardest thing is admitting there’s something wrong. Once you’ve done that, with the right support you can get through it. I did, and I believe you can too.
The biggest thing which got me through the pandemic is being able to get outdoors. When I was shielding the first time, I wasn’t allowed to leave my house, so I brought an exercise bike and put it on my patio. It felt like I was out for a bike ride, even though I was on my patio the whole time. I was out of the 4 walls of my house, in the fresh air, releasing endorphins, the happy hormones. When I was shielding the start of this year, I forced myself out for a walk every day. Even when it was raining, I would put on my wellies and walk across the moody footpaths on the fields.
Getting outdoors is my happy place. Wherever it is in the garden, up a mountain, or in the country. To me, it’s like a form of meditation. When I’m out on my walk, my worries, anxieties, and stresses all seem to disappear, and a smile always lights up my face. Yesterday is a prime example. I woke up feeling quite miserable, so we decided to get out and go on a local walk. My mood since yesterday morning has completely changed! I even tried to face my fear on the beach and walked across the rock pools just so I could get a photo of an arch I wanted. As much as Alex laughed at me as I inspected every footstep I took in case there was a crab waiting for me, he was proud, and I was proud of going out there facing my fear. We had such a great day! We even saw Highland Coo’s (which I love), seals, and dolphins. Oh and no crabs were spotted!
Trying To Get My Life To Some Kind Of Normal Agian
I desperately want to get my life back to normal. I’m scared of catching the virus, I’m scared of not knowing how my body is going to react. But I want my life back. I want to see my friends and family like normal again. I want to be able to get on a plane again. Travelling is a big part of our lives. I know we have Casper, our van, and can have been so fortunate to explore a lot of the UK in him. I am ever so grateful for him. However, before the pandemic, Alex and I were always hopping on a plane here there, and everywhere. We love exploring the whole world, not just the UK. There’s a big world out there, which I want to explore while I can. As I get older, I might become too poorly to do so. We’re also both hoping to get married in March and have our honeymoon doing Route 66. We’ve had to cancel our wedding twice so far, we really don’t want to have to cancel it again.
For me to start living life again, to how it was, I’m going to have to face my fears. It’s going to be hard, there’s most probably going to be tears and maybe even panic attacks, but I know I can do it. I’ve spoken to my friends and family about my concerns. We’ve all agreed to slowly reintroduce things. I am so lucky to have such a supportive network of people in my life.
It’s hard as I have my health team telling me to take all these extra precautions, but at the same time, I’m craving a ‘normal’ life again. It’s now about trying to create a healthy balance between the two. But the one thing that is going to help me get through the next few months, is being honest and open about my fears, about my anxieties to the people around me.
I Hope This Has Made You Fell Less Alone
I hope by sharing some of my experiences about my mental health, will help you feel not alone. Nobody should ever feel alone. Please, if you are suffering, speak to someone. Don’t suffer in silence. If you are suffering from fear/anxiety the best way to overcome it, is by facing it. But don’t try doing it alone, get some support from a friend or family member, or speak to someone professional. It’s not easy, but if you have determination in you, anything is possible. If you are suffering from low mood/depression, find something that you know normally would make you happy. You may not want to do it, but force yourself and give it time.
Remember, I’m always here to chat!
Until next week,
Goodbye for now
Emma
xox
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